Funny inspection stories...

[Michael Tompkins]

Humorous inspection story No. 1 of 3

The requirements for keeping your unit and rank patches on your Class A and Class B uniforms up to date at my first unit were rather lax. We were rarely ever required to wear them simply because of the type of duty we pulled. One day, we had to stand inspection in our Class A uniforms because of an IG inspection we were enduring.

On this particular day, my roommate had not bothered to update his rank or his unit patches. He had about a half-hour to get his $hit together before we had to assemble. Since he had no time to sew on either of his patches, he decided to glue them on.

As we assembled in front of the barracks, the MPs formed their own ranks two deep. Shampane left the room and made his way down the stairs to the assembly area, the whole time with his hands over his patches...trying to keep them pressed on. I was in the back row and my roommate, Shampane, stood directly in front of me. Of course, I was checking out his glue-job to see if they were holding on...and they weren't. I could see the top edge of each of the patches starting to peel away. The inspecting officer was slowly making his way down the ranks. I looked around without turning my head and carefully reached my hand up from behind and pressed each patch back into place. As luck would have it, just as the officer passed with a glance to Shampane, the patches started to peel away again. Within a few seconds, the unit patch had peeled away completely and fell to the ground, but the inspecting officer had already made his way to the end of the ranks. Crisis averted!...but, only momentarily. It did not go unnoticed. The falling patch had caught our platoon leader's eye. After our leaders were free to dismiss us, the Lt held Shampane back to chew his ass.

To make things even tougher, our rooms had to stand inspection as well. With wall lockers open, Shampane had to display his Class A's, peeling patches and all, in his locker while he stood next to it at attention. I can't say that they weren't noticed, but nothing was said about them. I had a good laugh over it.

Mike

[Michael Tompkins]

Story No. 2

While standing an IG inspection again at my next duty assignment, the inspecting officer, a major, followed by my squad leader entered my room. Now, I had spent a lot of time getting my room ready and it was definitely squared-away. It was an open locker and junk-on-the-bunk inspection again.

Hanging from a hook on the wall was an extra set of web gear I had purchased at Clothing Sales. I had a good set for MP duty and I had a set that I used when we went to the field. I know, that probably sounds a little anal, but I was proud of my appearance.

Anyway, the IG looked at my TA-50 on the bunk and then at the set on the wall. He asked me who's it was. I said it was mine and explained to him why I had 2 sets. He then asked me if I could produce a bill of sale from Clothing Sales to prove that I had indeed purchased it. I said that I could not. He then informed me that he could have my extra set of TA-50 "confisticated".

I thought to myself..."con-fist-ti-cated?" Is that even a word??

So, I asked him out loud, "Sir, are you sure you don't mean confiscated?"

At that instant, he realized that he had made a mistake and became silently furious that I had corrected him. He gave me the iciest stare and without saying a word, did an about-face and left my room. My squad leader gave me that look, like, "What in the f--k did you just do???"

I had nothing to apologize for. I wasn't a thief, but at the same time he was no spelling bee winner either. It wasn't until he had left and we had passed that we laughed our asses off. I was a hero for a day for getting one over on an officer.

Mike

[Michael Tompkins]

No. 3

While getting ready to stand inspection during basic training, we were standing at parade rest. The guy next to me pulled a lighter out of his pocket to burn off some loose strings. He burned them off and then thought that is would be funny to give the guy in front of him, Pagano, a hot-seat.

He reached up and held the flame there for several seconds...no reaction. He looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. Just then we were called to attention. We stood at attention for a several minutes while we were looked over and talked to. After that we were dismissed. Just as we were dismissed, Pagano wheeled around and grabbed the guy who had the held the lighter by the neck with both hands and started yelling, "I'm on f--king fire! I'm on f--king fire!"

Sure enough, Pagano spread his legs apart and showed us where a flame had slowly burned over the course of the inspection. He had about a 4" diameter hole in his pants at his crotch. Our DI had started to walk away, but then turned to yell, "What the Hell's going on over there?" Pagano snapped back around and said. "Nothing, Drill Sergeant!!" He seemed satisfied and left. The guy couldn't believe Pagano didn't dime-him out. We laughed about it later.

Mike

[alibi]

In high school ROTC we wore uniforms one day a week. One day while wearing the summer khaki uniform we were standing inspection for someone important, probably the Colonel - Professor of Military Science (PMS). Construction on our school had just been completed two years previously and there wasn’t a lot of plant landscaping and mostly unpaved, so it was dusty where we usually conducted drill and ceremonies. I was in a rear rank and saw a cadet standing in the squad ahead (we were at open ranks so he was several feet away from me) who apparently thought he would wipe the dust off of his shoes by brushing them alternately on the rear of his trouser legs. It was a warm day and the polish on his shoes had softened and he left black smears on his trousers. He probably didn’t do his shoes any good either. I was both amused and concerned for what would happen when he was inspected. The cadet was a know-it-all so I was hoping he would get what he deserved, but the inspector merely told him that he understood the dusty conditions and that the cadet should have known better than wipe his shoes on his trousers.

On another formal inspection in which I was either a cadet platoon leader or company commander as the inspector approached I was confused if I should salute as soon as he got within the prescribed 30 feet or stood in front of me to receive my report. On the better-safe than-sorry theory I saluted and reported as soon as he approached me to start the inspection. He merely stated “Wait until I get there” and I started all over again after he positioned himself in front of me. The inspection went fine and I never again got confused how and when to report to an inspecting officer.

I was inducted into the Army and after basic training, advanced training and an additional school, reported to my duty assignment where life in the barracks was pretty lax. If we weren’t inspected once in awhile the barracks would have never been cleaned, trash taken out and etc., because all of the NCOs lived elsewhere and never came around. This was at Fort Ord, which was a year around winter uniform post. I had acquired a gray wool blanket from a surplus store for extra warmth, but for inspection I folded it up and put it in my wall locker. The company commander came through on an inspection and the barracks was in pretty good shape. He saw my blanket and asked where I got it. He then said that there had been blankets stolen from the barracks in the company area. I told him the blanket was gray and he got down to within a few inches of it and declared “So it is.” After the inspection I looked at my blanket within the same distance he had and in the dim barracks lighting I couldn’t tell what color it was, so I guess he just took my word for it.

It was either this same inspection or another in the same unit that one of the guys on our watch didn’t have the correct rank insignia on his khaki uniforms, because we never wore them. This was a military police company so we had been issued extra khaki uniforms, and he had hung laundry tags on all of the clothes hangers that would have otherwise displayed his khakis. He claimed that he wanted the uniforms ready for inspection but forgot to pick them up from the cleaners. Needless to say he got chastised for the obvious ploy, but there really wasn’t anything the company commander could do about it at the time. After the inspection we all had to see what he had done, and we were all amused, but forever after ragged on him about it. He got permission to live off post and probably never got around to sewing the current rank on his khakis, and may not have picked them up from the cleaners - if they were ever there. If he had been in my unit I would have ordered him to report to the First Sergeant with those uniforms for inspection, but I don’t think any thing was done about it.

While in OCS we were issued field equipment that had to be displayed and ready for inspection except when we were in the field. The class leaders had done some things to help with the austerity of the hutments we were billeted in and had put a potted plant on the stoop of every 2-man hutment. I got into the habit of emptying my canteen into the pot and our plant did very well. One day shortly after we returned from the field we stood the last of many inspections. The Lt. Col. company commander pulled my field gear off the shelf and found I had neglected to remove the canteen cup from the cover and clean it, so it had dirt and debris in it that was obvious. We were very near the end of the cycle and graduation and we were wearing our selected branch insignia, in my case armor. The infantry branch CO showed me the dirty canteen cup still in the cover, and said something amusing about armor soldiers liking their coffee with dirt in it, and nothing more came of it. Other than being struck speechless and wanting to crawl into that cup at the time, I realized I had been distracted emptying the water from the canteen into the plant soil and forgot to pull the cup.

BTW on graduation day our very healthy flower was taken by someone, probably family members of one of the newly pinned 2lts, so I guess my regular watering of it was appreciated.

My last assignment was CO of an Army Reserve public affairs unit. When I was interviewed for the position I was asked if I could work with the delicate balance of creative people and military protocol. The unit went through a number of headquarters and MTOE changes during the time I was there. I was tolerant of minor gaffs in military protocol but was astonished that during one inspection by the Lt. Col. CO of the battalion then supporting my unit that most of the soldiers were wearing distinctive unit insignia from headquarters other than the current one. One of the SFCs was wearing two different unit distinctive insignia, one on the epaulets and a different one on the garrison cap. I reflected back on the ROTC inspection in which I reported before the inspector got to me, and that I had just reported the unit ready for inspection when I saw these different distinctive unit insignia, which wasn’t all that amusing to me at the time.

[m1ashooter]

The USAF is never been known for its spit and polish unless you were a SP. In my time the SP's were the like being in the military and the rest of us a loose formation of guys in uniform. For some reason in the mid 80's the SAC IG decided that an open ranks inspection in class A's was going to be part of the visit. Because of this all of us had to buy the wheel hat ie; bus drives hat because almost to a man the flight cap was our head gear.

The IG lands at Minot AFB, a blizzard then sets in, we have snow up to our butt and we are called to the gym for a pre inspection of our class A's. So there we are trying to keep neat and clean busting through snow drifts and snert. There we were in the gym in our class A's with little mud puddles forming around our feet as the snert melted. What a complete joke. All this exercise did was increase sales for clothing sales. I don't think I wore my class A's more then a dozen time in 13 years of active duty. I did wear a parka almost year round though.

[JohnPeeff]

During basic training at Ft Bliss, TX some 2star and our brigade commander were inspecting our mess hall. As we were turning in our trays and filing out the general walked over and asked an older draftee what he thought of the food who replied without hesitation " They ought to give me a Ranger Tab for eating this ****" and walked out. As far as I know nothing happened-to him!

[Michaelp]

My grandfather told of a mass inspection held for General Pershing in France.

He said they stood for hours in pouring rain.

Finally the General showed up and sped by in a huge limo, splashing mud over all in range.

[Michael Tompkins]

Ahh...the general's limo reminded me of another story. During the same "patch" IG story, I pranked the IG. Our battery had too many troops to house in the barracks in Hontheim, so several of us were billeted in a hotel in Bausendorf. The entire hotel was rented out for us. While returning from my favorite local gasthaus with my best buddy, I noticed the IG's staff car parked in the rear in the alley of "Rosie's". I thought it would be funny to let the air out of his tires. My buddy didn't think it a good idea, but I went over anyway. I found 4 really small pebbles and placed one inside each valve stem cap and then screwed them back on. If you listened closely, you could hear the air hissing as the rocks did their business.

Next morning was the first of the 3 days of inspections. We stood ready for about an hour, but had to head down range for the towers. IG didn't show up. As a matter of fact, he was 3 hours late. I heard thru the grape vine that he arrived and was NOT in a good mood. By the way, our battery failed after 3 days. MPs passed, but that was it. My buddy and me never told ANYONE what I did.

[Marine A5 Sniper Rifle]

When I returned from RVN, I was transferred to Camp Pendleton. Upon my arrival, I was asked if I could type. I said yes, and they made me the base adjutant's secretary. My old RVN unit was at Pendleton also (Camp Margarita), and my old Staff Sergeant had to report to the adjutant on occasion. He was miffed when I always made him wait to see the adjutant (we never liked each other), and I would do it just to piss him off. I eventually got caught throwing away some mail instead of filing it, and was sent to my old unit at Camp Margarita to clean cosmoline out of 105 howitzer barrels for punishment.

I show up at CM, and they see I have experience as the adjutant's secretary, and they make me the Camp Margarita Librarian (TM library - one of two air conditioned offices on base). Since I was part of the Walking Wounded brigade, I didn't have to do PT. I would fall in every morning, and as they went off on a 3 mile jog, I would fall out and watch the waves come in (Camp Margarita is on the beach). My old buddy the Staff Sergeant, watched this go on for a few days, then informed us one morning that the next day's formation would be on the mall grass in front of the Company Office.

All went well the next day until the Company CO started down the stairs to inspect us. My old buddy, the Staff Sergeant, suddenly called for a skivvy inspection, which meant we had to drop trou. You see, he knew I didn't wear skivvies from our time in RVN. As the Company CO walked up, the first thing he saw was me standing there with all my pitiful junk dangling in the breeze in the front row. The look on his face was priceless, as probably was the look on mine. It seemed every BAM on the base chose that time to come waltzing by, and they all started whistling. Normally stoic killer Marines were laughing so hard, a couple were actually choking. I was standing at attention, although not "erect" if you know what I mean. We were ordered to pull up trou without a single comment from anyone about my obvious lack of protocol. When the Company CO finally got to me, he pulled out a dollar bill and held it out to me, and in a very gruff voice, told me to get my a$$ to supply and buy some regulation shivvies. I took the dollar bill and answered "Yes, Sir"! They never caught me again. I finished my tour of duty as a Marine Combat Librarian on the beautiful beach at Camp Margarita! My office window faced the beach, which was only about 50 meters from our building.

jt

PS
My superior over the library was the Staff NCO that told Charles Whitman to go home and take an aspirin. He had been there ever since.

[Marine A5 Sniper Rifle]

Marines do no work on their birthdays. At least our unit didn't. My old buddy, the Staff Sergeant, placed me on guard duty, walking around a remote armory at night with a loaded M-14, on my birthday in a successful move to really piss me off. It seems some Cuban Nationalists had broken into several military armories to steal automatic weapons, and we wanted to be ready for them. There was a Marine inside with an M-60, a Marine on top of the building with a M-14, and me patrolling the ground. There were spotlights everywhere, and we were way out in the boondocks. Tarantulas came out at night and sat under the lights for some reason. Really big suckers. Really big nasty looking scumbag suckers.

One night, the guy above me called down and told me there was a skunk following me. I looked behind me, and there was a Peppy La Pew bee bopping along right behind me. I went to a brisk walk and he just kept following me. I took off running and the little sucker kept up the pace. I had no idea why a stupid skunk wanted to follow me, but I wanted no part of him. I ran around the building twice and he was still behind me, so I jumped off the loading dock and took off down the street at what could best be called a wild ass panic retreat. I was running full bore when the OD's Jeep rounded a corner and stopped right in front of me. I stopped running, looked back, and saw nothing. I spent the next hour trying to convince the OD that I wasn't insane. It seems a skunk threatening a Marine armed with a loaded M-14 isn't sufficient reason to abandon your post. In a move that seems logical only to the Marine Corps, my punishment was to double my time as armory guard. Go figure.

jt